I couldn’t help but grab my camera to take a picture of my little Sleepy Sutton this morning – and then Hayden walked into our room to get ready for school… My camera struggled to focus in the dimly lit room – and I panicked…. hoping it would capture just one second of this sweet moment. Finally it focused and the sound of the cameras shutter was pure music to my ears and I breathed a sigh of relief.
It becomes so much more then capturing a picture – when a moment in time fills your heart with so much love – you never want to forget that feeling.
She turned 2 months old today. I have so many thoughts about the last two months and what she has brought to our lives..our sweet baby #3. This has been the most amazing 2 months in all of my (almost) 40 years. As someone who experienced postpartum with baby #2 – I was afraid of falling into that newborn fog. I was afraid of losing a moment because I was feeling inadequate as a mom. So before Sutton came into our lives, I didn’t just physically prepare for her arrival, I mentally prepared for her. I made sure there was no need to feel like supermom. Who the heck is this “supermom” anyway…does she really exist?? I made sure to not wish away her stages and instead embraced those sleepless nights. I took it as an opportunity to make her smile which in turn made me smile. It is an interesting perspective to stare at this little “muppet” and know someday – I will say “I can’t believe you used to be so small”. I made sure there was no need to feel the pressure of losing the baby weight… lets be honest – I never felt skinny, even when I was skinny…so what the heck is the rush??. This body – while far from perfect – has these curves because I was given the incredible gift of pregnancy. A pregnancy I feared would never happen, a pregnancy I fought to have. By the end of these two months as she has started to sleep more throughout the night – I find myself awake, staring in awe at this miracle that has filled our hearts with so much love. Sutton Button I promise I won’t be perfect, I come with faults and make mistakes – but as your mom – one thing is certain – I will love you to the ends of the earth and with all that I have. You will never doubt for one second that you were meant to be ours and we were meant to be yours.
This week my girl turned 5. She has been such an incredible blessing to me. I was pretty nervous that baby #3 would steal her thunder and show up on her birthday – and even though I know she wouldn’t care and would have found it to be one of the most exciting things to have her sister show up on her birthday. I personally love the idea of them getting their own day.
Emerson continues to amaze me with her happy and fun loving spirit. She adores her big brother and their relationship is so special. As we get closer to her going to elementary school – I find myself getting more and more nervous. I remember the mean girls and I remember what it did to my spirit. I remember what it felt like to be picked last. To be called names. To feel alone.
My upbringing didn’t provide a safe place to fall either and by 4th grade my grades were on a downward spiral, my confidence was low. It was a very lonely time and I find myself desperate to protect Emerson from anything that will break her spirit. I want to keep her young and innocent for as long as possible… and my fears of what elementary school will expose her to, to be quite honest, is frightening. Girls already wearing make-up and short shorts at such a young age. Getting their hair dyed as one mom put it so eloquently… “to be the hottest kindergartener” – just makes me want to keep her under my wing forever…. or at least for a couple more years.
It doesn’t help that Emerson is so desperate to grow up, desperate to lose her first tooth, desperate for independence that her brother didn’t get until he was 8.
So my wish for you my sweet girl as you continue to grow up is simple. May you embrace your golden life and always stay true to yourself. May you be kind and recognize the power of your voice and words and use them to lift up those around you. As you continue to grow you will be challenged to follow the flocks – to be like everyone else…. because that will seem safe to you.I hope you learn that following your heart will always be your best road map.
I will do my best as your mother to listen with an open heart. I will not put on you the challenges of my own upbringing as I know your journey is different then mine. I will provide a safe place to fall when life sends speedbumps your way. I will love to the end of the earth, to the moon and all the way back…. forever and a day. You are my girl and you have taught me so much about motherhood.