{A letter to my Ms. Em}

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Dear Emerson –

Happiest of Birthdays to my sweet baby girl! I can’t believe you are two years old. Exactly the amount of time that is took for us to welcome you into this world. So here is the beginning of your story and how you found your way into my belly and into our hearts.

When Hayden was almost two years old it was determined that I was a carrier for the hemophilia gene. Your daddy and I knew that we wanted to give our next born child the gift of not being a carrier of this gene. So after many tears and finally accepting that  IVF was our only option we started our new journey to trying to have another baby. During this time I endured weekly blood tests and daily injections  and eventually the unfortunate heartbreak of miscarriage. I crumbled – “I NEED A  FLIPPING BREAK – ENOUGH ALREADY!!”. However, I was determined not to let this break me.. Was my fear of another heartbreak going to be bigger then my desire to have another Child?  The answer was no. I knew I had to do IVF again and again – until I had my babies..so I picked myself up off the floor, looked at your daddy and said “I want this baby!! If we have to move to be able to afford our family then that is what we have to do”- We decided that Dallas (your daddy had an office here) was our only option since I had family here. I still remember that night like it was yesterday – We were looking for houses that night and planning our flight. A month later we were buying a house in Frisco, Texas and gearing up for Round 2 of IVF and more prodding and pricking. I still laugh as I think that my father-in-law (your Grandpa) drove me to the clinic to get the eggs taken out to be tested and how we must have looked to the other patients…like he was my sugar daddy.  For this round of IVF – I made the conscious choice to let go of everything that was out of my control. I didn’t want to know HCG numbers, egg counts, and even waited an extra week to get that pregnancy test. This time though those numbers were high and I knew that I was going to become a mom again.

We had put in a girl and a boy – and while I initially started out with a triplet pregnancy ( 1 egg split into two)  we lost the twins within two weeks and I was put on strict bed rest because the Dr. was afraid my body would miscarry you as well. I wasn’t afraid… I knew you were here for good. I felt it in the depths of my soul the same way I knew  in my heart you were my girl.  We went in for a CVS test at 11 weeks and when I got home and was resting – it felt like my water had broken. I was devastated as I thought to myself that I can’t go through this again . We were immediately rushed in for a ultrasound- and there you were. Your heart  was just pit pattering  away. The Dr. could only think that the water on the twins had broken – so they admitted me into the hospital fearful that I would miscarry all the babies. I knew once I saw your heart beating on that screen – that you were going to make it through.

Every kick I embraced and every roll you took I marveled at. I never complained about getting big… I knew  I was lucky to be getting big.You were my miracle – such a gift you had already given me. I get to be pregnant – something many  take for granted – I knew it was a privilege.

A day before you were to be induced you decided to make your grand entrance… and that you did – as my water broke while I was at the Nail Salon and ballooned in my too tight jeans that I was determined to wear until the end of my pregnancy.   3 1/2 hours later you made it into this world after only 3 pushes and me laughing at how I can’t wait to do this again. Your delivery is my happy place. It is where I go whenever I am afraid.

And that is where easy ends…… Girl you rocked my world. In the first two weeks- my mother-in-law mentioned colic and I about lost my mind. Eventually I started to wish you had colic  because at least that ends after 3-5 months. Oh no – you didn’t have colic despite the throw up and crying. The second you were back in my arms you were peaceful again. I was seriously loosing it and wondering to myself  “Was I in over my head”?  But something happened at 6 months as I was trying to figure out how to raise you….I had a BAM (ie.a moment in time that changes your lifes direction)

After hearing my husband and sister say to me time and time again …”she is so YOU”….and in all honesty – kinda getting offended by it. I looked at you and said…”she is so ME” – and as I struggled to figure out what you needed I immediately asked myself- “Well than what does that mean?? Who was I when I was a kid”…and my immediate reaction was that I loved my mother. And in instant – I got it.. I understood. – You loved  me more than anyone ever has or will… Even more than Hayden does. He loves me but  he doesn’t “need” me the way that I was like  air to you.

In the second I made a choice -instead of being irritated and annoyed  that you only wanted to be with me and I could never get a break ( yes, you refused bottles your first year of life) – Which would in turn make you more needy of me and my attention ..(trust me –  I know first hand) I embraced your love – and I loved you with the same amount of frevour. I made sure to hold you close and tell you over and over again just how much I loved you and smothered you with kisses…. and slowly but surely your confidence in my love gave you more confidence for you to be “YOU” – and you are fantastic. You are full of life, spunk and independence.

I love our daily baths ( I know you pee in the water.. but I won’t tell a soul). I love that sometimes you can’t get close enough no matter how hard you try – its like you want to climb back into the womb. I love the relationship you and your Bo Bo have and how close you are becoming.You two are a team and I hope the relationship you build is one that lasts a lifetime. You are a rock star swimmer already ( Again- I think it is because you want to go back to the womb) at 14 months you were called a mermaid b.c you refused to walk but you were desperate to swim.When you wake up in the morning – We have to wait while you grab everything in your crib and hand it to us one by one… Blankie, baby, bookie… this can last a long time if you have 2 blankies, 3 babies and 2 bookies… but I smile as you proudly hand me each item. Seeing you try on high heels and attempt to walk in them has me holding my breath in fear for your life – you have now realized it is safer to walk with only one shoe on and that is what you do.  There is so much that I want to savor of this time in my life – I know you will soon not need us to get you out of bed and that I will hold onto these memories as they will become my new happy places.

So here you are my beautiful and spirited two year old. So determined to be bigger then you are – telling me to “go” – when I take you to pre-school.  I love that you will never doubt the amount of love we have for you. We now embrace all those special qualities b.c I know it was  those qualities that gave you that fighting strength when you were just in the womb.

And by the way – just so you know… since we share that same determined spirit -I think I can say with complete certainty just how amazing you are going to be . With the right guidance, love and support you are going to move mountains – I JUST KNOW IT!

Happy Birthday !

I love you with every ounce of my being!

– Mama

My Favorite “Emersonisms”

“Where da BO-BO go” – where is Hayden?

“MMEEEEEEE” –  Please

“Tane tu “- Thank you

“Happy” – Help Me

“Love Me” – I love you

I HOPE YOU ALWAYS EAT YOUR CAKE ANYWAY YOU WANT!

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