Happy 2nd Birthday L.L.P

{WARNING … run on sentences and grammatical errors to follow – I am not a english major…I am  just someone who writes the way I think and feel}

 

I have had so many people ask me, “How did you get the courage to start your own business? How did you know you were good enough?” For a long time, I have had a hard time answering such questions. From an obvious standpoint, I could say that what I didn’t know actually helped me. I didn’t know what was involved with photography. I didn’t know that editing programs were used. I didn’t know that photography had developed into its own popular subculture filled with followers and not-so-nice non-followers. When I decided to start my business, I literally thought I just needed to purchase some equipment and do what I felt came naturally to me. Shoot from my soul.The answer that didn’t come so easily was how I found the courage, but I have come to the conclusion that the courage has come from the unconditional love that I have received from my husband and his parents. I have been blessed to experience 10 years of being part of a family that loves with everything they have–dropping everything to protect me, opening their arms to me despite their own apprehension about this girl their son was marrying. My husband, the nicest and smartest man I know, graduated from the prestigious Georgetown University and was marrying a college dropout who had a contentious relationship with her own family, yet I was welcomed with open arms into this tight-knit Italian family. They have swooped in to save us as we struggled to navigate the world of raising a son with a severe bleeding disorder. They swooped in as we struggled through IVF and the ups and downs of miscarriages and failed IVFs and the financial stress IVF has put on my family. All they have done is loved my family. . . and loved me. So I believe after 10 years of unconditional love, I was able to stop being afraid of failure. People who love unconditionally don’t see failure; they see success in the attempt. This is not to say that I wasn’t PERTRIFIED—especially when I learned what photography was all about and just how much I didn’t know. But knowing I had a soft place to land certainly made the journey a little less scary.

 

So with that said, here is my story on how I went from a VERY HAPPY stay-at-home mom to where I am today—a successful boutique photographer who is able to call her own shots . . . literally.
It all started with a Crate and Barrel gift card. Weird, I know. I had a $1,000 gift card to Crate and Barrel, and I couldn’t find anything I wanted to buy with it. After holding on to it for 2 years, I realized I didn’t want any furniture and thought maybe I would cash it in. So off I went towww.cardpool.com, home of the “Turn gift cards into cash” idea. PERFECT. OK. Now what? Now that I had the cash, what did I want to do with it? I window shopped and tried on clothes, and still I didn’t want anything. As that $1,000 burned a hole in my wallet, I asked myself, “What do I really want?” and suddenly my answer was as clear as day: I want to run my own business. I want to be my own boss. I want to help support my family. I want to follow my secret dream of being a photographer. To know me is to know that once I set my mind to something, nothing gets in my way. I will do what it takes to make it happen. For instance, in high school I was the worst cheerleader EVER, but I wanted to be one so badly I could taste it, so I tried out for three years until I finally made it my senior year (come to find out, I really just liked the outfit . . . not so much the cheering part). I wanted children so badly that when IVF was putting my family into financial stress I quickly made the move from my beloved state of California to Texas—just so we could afford our family. It was 2 years  after that move that I came up with the plan for my business. I recall an initial, heated discussion with my husband, who questioned my desire given that I had never really learned how to use my first DSLR. But I put my whole heart on the table. I told him that there are only two things I love in this life—my family and photography. With that, he said, “OK. I believe in you.” So, I researched cameras and, with no idea what I should be looking for, purchased a Nikon 300 and 50 mm 1.4. At that time, I had no idea what ISO was—nor much about shutterspeed or aperture. I didn’t know why I was buying what I was buying; it just sounded like the right thing since every photographer seemed to be mentioning the “nifty fifty.”

 

Now, before I started, I also had no idea of the ramifications of a thing called “holiday season”because I had never hired a photographer before. Heck, why did I need to because I was AWESOME already (hee hee). So, starting in October was something I didn’t realize was the best thing I could have done. I had amazing neighbors hire me to photograph their children. They were all close enough that I would take the children by myself so that I wouldn’t be so nervous having mom and dad hovering over me. I still remember reading the post from Pioneer woman that explained what shooting manual was. I remember the notes I took after reading her blog. “Less is More.” That was the saying that helped me understand the connection of aperture and light. I remember drawing stick figures to help me remember  posing ideas before shoots. On the days of shoots, I couldn’t do anything with my family or friends because I would want to be in the “zone” and full of energy for our shoots. If I was photographing a toddler, I would mentally put myself in the shoes of that 3 year old, challenging my memory to times when Hayden was that age so that I could get into the world of what it was like to be 3.

I quickly realized that the photos I had admired from a high school classmate who had become a successful photographer (my original inspiration) had a little thing called Photoshop done to them. WHAT? Wait a minute—there’s work to be done AFTER I take the photo? CRIKEY!! Enter Lightroom. Oh, Lightroom–how you steered me wrong in the beginning. Your presets had me convinced I was now not just a photographer but that I also had some mad editing skills. There were some doozies I put out there. I remember my brother-in-law wondering why his dark circles were so bad or why my friend’s son looked like he had lipstick on. Check out some of my earlier editing skills.

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So what happened when I realized that I was not as good as I original thought??? I decided to own it. So I stated on my facebook page “Follow me on my journey as I learn the ins and outs of photography” I figured if I owned that I knew nothing – no one could put me down. Then I dedicated every second, of every hour, of every day learning, shooting and editing. For 2 years I worked harder then I ever had. I put aside family and friends needs hoping that they would eventually forgive me as  I was no longer “present” in regular life.  My life was my business. I knew that if I dedicated the time and the money into the business there would be a time where I would control my business and my business would not control me. I also had faith. I knew if I put good things out there and didn’t force it… in time the business would flourish. My marriage was tested as my husband worked even harder then me. Relationships with family member were tested when they couldn’t understand how this passion had awoken a new part of my soul. I still feel tremendous sadness about that part. I  feel that I lost precious time with my mother-in-law… The daughter-in-law who used to make their room like a hotel filled with fresh flowers, water carafes, coffee stations , picture trees and home cooked meals now could barely muster up enough energy to make sure there were clean towels. That will always make me sad. ..that when I finally found balance – I lost her.   Friendships were tested when my sensitivity meter skyrocketed. I was putting my art out there … I was putting my heart out there. When clients didn’t comment on a photo I posted – my heart sank. When mom put down the way her sons ears stuck out – I was sad. When dear friends received their images on a CD and I didn’t hear from them for 2 weeks… I cried. Did they not like them… I worked so hard… how could they not call me and tell me that they love them? I soon realized that not everyone feels about photography the way that I do. Not everyone is moved by photography the way that I am … the way that I have always been. What a huge revelation that was to me and it soon had me wondering how many other people are sitting on a talent… assuming that everyone else feels the same way about that one thing that they are passionate about. So with that epiphany , I got stronger, I became more indifferent to what other people thought and with that indifference came a little more confidence to own my talent.

This journey has always been more then just starting a business. It has been the journey of finding my final missing piece…. the journey of stepping outside of my comfort zone. I have learned so much along the way.  I have learned that I love to teach and that while I am not looking to be the “next big thing”, maybe I could help teach someone else who will be. I have learned I am stronger then I could have ever imagined. I have learned that I am shyer then I  ever thought. I have learned that I am running a passion,  I am not driven by anything other then capturing light and love. Finally -in the end, I have learned how the gift of unconditional love can change anyone …. no matter how old they are.

BE KIND my friends… and keep shooting.

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